Tomatoes are dangerous to your eardrums

Many long years ago, my family planted tomatoes along the south side of the house, next to the driveway. Fresh tomatoes are absolutely awesome.

Fresh tomato bugs, not so much.

Tomato bugs called to toads, who gathered to feast. And then gathered on the driveway, in the sun. The small problem with this was that my mother was, and still is, irrationally afraid of frogs and toads. Late afternoons were frequently pierced by my mother's "Ax murderer in the shower scream." One can get used to almost anything, and it didn't take long for the family to stop twitching and falling out of chairs when she screamed. (A few years back, I was entertained by my mother in similar fashion. Unfortunately, the immunity had worn off. After peeling myself off the ceiling, I told my brother Roger, likewise peeling, "Damn! I'd forgotten how piercing those were.")

Roger was the designated killer of frogs, being the oldest male in the house that wasn't my stepfather. That, and I wouldn't kill them, but move them out of sight. This didn't work really well, as the little buggers would come out for a repeat performance. Scream would be heard. Roger would sigh, and head out to dispatch the offender. My mother would come into the house, white and shaking.

The busybody lady next door, pardon me, someone who heard the screams and was concerned, called the police. When the officer arrived at our door, he had to deal with my mother's explanation, and the corroboration of two young children. I even offered to go find one and demonstrate. I think my mother's reaction to that may have helped convince the officer there really wasn't an ax murderer in the yard. Only a toad.

My stepfather, in an effort to be sociable, or something, invited a co-worker and his family over for summer afternoon barbecue. Warm afternoon, windows open, breeze blowing gently thru. We thought my mother safely in the kitchen.

We were wrong.

Piercing ax murder in the shower scream. The family just sat there, looking resigned. As the guests slowly peeled themselves off the ceiling, my stepfather said, "Roger, go kill the toad." Roger sighed, got up to deal with the toad. My stepfather started to explain about my mother and toads, just as my mother, white and shaking, came in and attempted the same explanation. It wasn't particularly successful, as the co-worker and his family never came again.

We never grew tomatoes again. It was too hazardous, both to our eardrums and to our reputation in the community.

You know it's hot when...

You push your glasses up only to have them slide down almost immediately.

How do you know it's really hot? You push your glasses up, they steam up immediately, then slide back down your nose.

I decided to remove my back lawn, mostly crabgrass, that I never use for anything. Crabgrass is not the surface of choice for lounging, playing on, or pretty much anything requiring contact with the ground.

So I'm digging it up.

In the summer.

What was I thinking? Well, it's mostly that I want to do it now. I'm really good at finding reasons not to do something, so when I decide to actually do something, I better get started.

It will be a series of raised planters with seating scattered around. What it is right now is one largish hole and one middlin' hole, each centered around one of the existing lawn sprinklers. Since I'm having to go out at 5:30am to dig, before it gets glasses-steaming hot, I expect I'll have two really nice 4x4 planter boxes ready for fall planting. Yes, I know it's only July. It's also crabgrass in adobe soil, and requires a pickaxe to break up. Pick, shovel, pull the grass bits out, mix in some perlite to keep the damned stuff from clumping back together, repeat. Fingernail breakage and cursing scattered randomly throughout.

But why dig it up if I'm putting in raised beds? Drainage. There isn't any. Or rather, too much. If I dig down a foot or so, the untouched adobe holds water as if in a bucket. Two, the only way to kill crabgrass is to pull it out. Three, if I dig up the dirt, mix stuff in it, I have a decent growing base and I don't have to add so much packaged soil mix stuff, expensive packaged soil mix stuff, on top.

I'm a desk-bound computer geek in real life, which doesn't lend itself to heavy duty physical exercise. With all the picking and shoveling, I am developing a really good set of shoulder and arm muscles. Just what I need for beating difficult code into submission, or intimidating difficult clients. Yeah right.

Don't wear shorts while using a weed wacker

Especially if magnolia leaves are involved.

Just don't.

Anybody Can Do It - Yeah Right

Pet peeve - Anybody who says "All you have to do is..."

The instructions for assembling all the pieces in my new drip watering kit assume a level of expertise that is sadly lacking in this household. Figuring out in which order to put all the screw-on pieces is fairly simple, as the piece that connects to the drip tubing must go last. There's only one piece that connects to that, which leaves the timer to connect to the water faucet. So far so good.

Attaching that to the water faucet proved to be the first of many stumbling blocks. I attached a four-way spigot to the existing water faucet. And realized that attaching the timer-tubing assembly would require I dig a hole so they could all get screwed together. Hmmm. Interesting phrasing. nevermind. Let's try this: turn the original faucet upside down. I don't need to reach the handle easily. It's going to be staying on so the drip system will work.

Ah, question from the audience? Why don't I take the original spigot off? As I was discussing the issue with Jim, thinking out loud and looking for suggestions, I got an amazing amount of static about leaving it on. Still don't understand why, but that's ok. If it keeps peace in the household, I'm not going to insist.

Turn the water off to the house. Unscrew everything. Wrap plumbers tape around the water faucet and screw back on. Spigot up, handle down - check. Turn the water to the house on and... no leaks. We're good to go. Screw the four-way on after application of plumbers tape, turn the water faucet on and... no leaks. Ok. Progress is being made.

Attach hose to one spigot, turn it on to test. I got water. And the most horrendously loud swooshing sound as water flowed thru the new faucet. You can usually tell when you've got water running somewhere. You can hear it at other faucets in the house. This new faucet was loud enough to be heard in the living room over the tv. There was no forgetting to turn the water off with this system.

Onward and upward. Besides the screw-on pieces to connect spigot to drip tubing, several extra bits were included, with no instructions as to where to put them. I had a grit filter which logically should go between the spigot and the timer. After putting said filter in, the connection leaked like a sieve and sprayed water in several directions. If I wanted a spray system, I would have bought one. Read the instructions again. All they said was "insert filter." I checked the website. The instructions said "Insert the filter." I hunted the internet for forums and help groups. Found some. The instructions said "Insert the filter." Guys, what part of thumb-fingered clueless did you miss? I'm a computer software geek. I don't do hardware. Getting the water faucets on was the extent of my previous knowledge. Upon the suggestion from friend PJ, I tried reversing the grit filter. aHA! Works. No more spray. From that connection anyway.

Also included in this kit was a flow restrictor, which came with lots of instructions on when it should be used, but not where. Just for fun, I tried searching the internet again. Same same. Let's put it between the timer and the connection to the connection to the tubing. Turn water on, turn timer to ON, and... get a face full of spraying water. Not to mention pants and shirt. Up side? I'm cooler now. Downside, there is no water coming out the tubing end. None. The flow restrictor is supposed to reduce the water flow to half a gallon per hour, not shut it down completely. What's up with that?

Back to the drawing board. If I... no, how about... *headsmack*. Take it out completely and just have the water spigot turned low. One more leak gone. And now water comes out the end. Woohoo. I has water.

I has water coming from the middle of one of the screw on bits. Turn water off, unscrew part, examine closely. The area of the leak has no adjustable pieces. Why is it leaking? Replace with piece from the other kit. Which leaks in exactly the same way. No spray, just water flow. Hmmm. Mint doesn't mind being very wet. Put the pot of mint under it and carry on.

Next step: tubing. The instructions very kindly said to cut the tubing at an angle to make insertion easier. er... I gotta get my mind out of the gutter. Tubing: insert, turn water on. You'll never guess. Spraying water. It's a hot day and I'm staying cool. It's all good.

Unscrew last connector piece, wrestle with connector, tubing, pliers, temper... The tubing connector is made to hold on to the tubing tightly. Which means getting the tubing in requires you be a 500 pound gorilla. Jim came out about then, said he could feel the cursing. He wrestled with connector, tubing, pliers for a minute or two, and handed the thing back to me. No, he isn't a 500 pound gorilla, he just plays the part when I need it.

Screw connector with tubing attached onto other connector. Turn water on. No spray. And we has water out tubing!

Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter in the building of the drip system. It's sure to be... I don't know. Pick an adjective of your choice. I'm going in now. It's bleedin' hot again today.